*** Really I should have just skipped sending a PM and posted this to Members Only for everyone to read, but as I've said before about my posting openly on CareCure, I don't relish the thought of another turn in the public stocks. ***
Maybe we just all hate one another as human beings. Maybe our feelings are so dark towards one another. Maybe, no matter what tragedies befall us, we look at one another and feel a secret contempt. Maybe we will always feel we have it worse because of our particular tragedies, and feel we know the sum total of reality is our private reality .... And maybe we have sides of ourselves that make us worthy of contempt, even when it's meted out for the wrong reasons .... Maybe, therefore, we have no right to protest, even when we are suspected and outright accused of things we are not doing, being or thinking, because one human being can never really know where another person's coming from. And seemingly many people are apt to make completely bogus judgments, but how are they to know for sure their judgments are bogus. Oh, how sad we have it!
I think some of you have paralyzed hearts; why don't you think up something nasty to say about that? I'm sure it will be terribly clever. Funnier than the clown suit and Yoko, even. Who knows why we human beings even try to communicate with one another, it seems so utterly desperate and pointless sometimes, and I don't even just mean here on the Internet. My phone number's XXX-XXX-XXXX and my real name's Siobanyan X. Yes, if you want to call me right now you can, because I really am a real human FEMALE person, and not a man in a clown suit in a basement.
On the 28th, it will be the two year anniversary of them calling me to say my brother was dead. You know, here complain that everyone from in-laws to research scientists to those who regulate parking spaces don't have any empathy about people or things that don't impact them directly. Well you know, those complaints are totally valid. Maybe those whose brothers are paralyzed can secure more parking in the week, and their brothers still live, and I can secretly still wish my brother was alive. I would be a really good sister to my brother. I would love him a lot.
But the next time you rage that someone is clueless or downright cruel about something outside of YOUR purview, I hope the people who accused and mocked me here will think of me and the way I was treated when I was in an absolutely desperate place.
I would rather have my brother here. If he was here he would be angry he was alive even if he was successful, because that's how he was, but I wish I could hold my brother tonight. All of us seem to have these unimaginable advantages to one another ... just look at any ordinary American vs. [Third World paraplegic #1, Third World paraplegic #2 who is even worse off ...].
We have so many successes to ourselves, able-bodied or not, can we not capitalize on these. They called me to say my brother was missing on the 15th, they called to say they found his body on the 28th.
Apparently is fine here to be thinking you're going to be paralyzed for years & years as long as that actually happens & you're posting form a chair, but if not, it's open season and ugliness?! I have not had those thoughts for a long time, but it's till stick in my mind how awful some on this forum were to me and I don't know what to say.
So.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Enormously Interesting Job Interview
Specifically, this was indicated to be an opportunity working with the developmentally (cognitively) delayed population. They're a respected private organization (I checked), and their website is full of pictures of cheerful clients doing stuff like participating in local parade events and doing crafts. Indeed, I have seen their employees and volunteers escorting higher-functioning individuals around on our public transit system sporting branded ID badges for years here.
So I was like "Hey, if I could be compensated for doing work I'd cheerfully volunteer to do for free, why on Earth not?" After my last job, I want to do something to engender some good karma for a change (joking -- well, not really). Well, they called me in for an interview yesterday, and I'll tell the whole story.
I take the EMX to Springtucky (always an adventure in and of itself), and there are three other applicants waiting in the comfy, homey waiting room. Part of the reason it's so homey is because it is quite literally a former home from back in the day -- you see that a lot around here. One lady's busily knitting. Two of them look plump, maternal and warm -- exactly the type of person you'd want looking after your developmentally delayed family member. One of them looks sweet but quite possibly timid, and honestly she looks about fourteen years old, although obviously there's no way she could be. And then there's me.
I'm kind of over-dressed, cuz hey, I haven't been to a job interview in seven years, and while it's true the last job I had (as a manager in an office) had a dress code consisting of "cover your naughty bits and wear shoes of some type," but I'm not brain-addled enough to believe that's how things work in The Real World. " So I didn't know what to expect. But now I'm scoping it out thinking "Hellz yeah, I doubt you could wear a shirt sporting Jesus nailed to an erect penis here like folks did at my last office, but I'm all about jeans and sweatshirts! Cool beans!"
I make some shy and socially awkward chit-chat, and finally a nice lady comes in and ushers us all into a conference room because it's apparently a group interview. First group interview I've ever had, does that make me more grown-up to have had one? LOL -- so you'd think my social anxiety would be kicking into high gear, but to tell you the truth, it was much better than I thought it would be. It's difficult to be petrified of cheery knitting matrons or white 30-somethings wearing jeans, hoodies & dreds to the office.
The number of people interviewing us as a group outnumbers us 3:1. We all sit around a circular meeting table, except for one fellow in the corner, who is in a powerchair, is accompanied by a 1-to-one caregiver and has one of those plexiglass letter-board trays in front of him because he's non-verbal but can spell out what he has to say.
Altogether, there are four of us applicants and twelve managers, long-term employees, people who do what we're applying to do -- and they've also invited two different developmentally delayed clients with the subtext (as I understood it) of letting clients participate in the interview process (first) -- and no doubt seeing how we react to them (second).
I thought that was BRILLIANT. If I had a developmentally delayed or severely handicapped family member placed in an adult group home, I would NOT want someone who gawks or squirms with discomfort about this type of thing caring for my loved one.
One of the clients (they call their clients their charges) seemed pretty high-functioning, cognitively speaking, and the other client, the fellow who uses a powerchair, as far as I can guess, had quadriplegic spastic cerebral palsy, is tube-fed (I know this because his caregiver casually started his feed in the middle of the interview) -- but is sharp as a tack mentally, as subsequent events will illustrate, LOL.
They've also got what looks to be a worksheet with multiple essay questions & some notebook paper there on the table -- then announce it's because part of this group interview is going to be a 30 minute written exercise responding to some questions, but FIRST, it's announced, we'll go through the initial six questions verbally, one by one -- in front of the group.
These interview questions were pretty awesome. For example, we were asked if we would be willing to take a client to an Orthodox church service even if we were rabid professing atheists; if we would take a client who expressed his desire to attend a KKK rally -- and finally how we'd handle a "medically fragile" client who wanted us to take him to an adult strip club! When we get to this question, CP powerchair guy (I'm awful with names and couldn't tell you the names of any of these folks) begins chortling loudly and smirking -- and it is mentioned with amusement that, actually, he's the guy who came up with that question originally!
Since clients with the ability to express their wishes are understood to be autonomous adults, obviously the 'right' answers were sure, we'd have no problem with doing any of that. *
When they got to me on the KKK bit, I was like "Look, I'm pretty hard to shock, and believe it or not, I'd have no problem doing any of that. I actually think it would be really interesting to observe a KKK rally sometime." Ha ha, I don't know how great a reception an olive-complected half-Iranian gal with a last name 20 characters long, escorting what Neo-Nazis would deem 'Lebensunwertes Leben' would get at the KKK rally, but of course that's beside the point. (And NO, obviously I didn't voice that thought at the interview, LOL!) **
Then they tell us flat-out that some of their clientele exhibit "challenging behaviors," and provide us with a list of possible behaviors we will be dealing with in our daily work. "Aggressive physical violence" to our person and work with known sexual predators forms just part of this list.
I'm like :^O !!!
There's another list on there asking if we'd have a problem dealing with feces, cleaning genitals, vomit and cleaning up after a client's masturbation.
Actually, that part I wouldn't care about. Body fluids are one thing, but physical violence and sexual predation is another! At that point, I start to sense I might be in a bit over my head, so I decide to test the waters and ask what exactly they meant by you'll be dealing daily with physical violence. I'm informed it'd be everything from being pinched or grabbed to being punched in the face!
Then I'm like "Um, and what type of sexual predators are we talking about here?!" Keep in mind this job requires overnight shifts where you actually sleep there in the group home and get paid minimum wage for those 8 hours of sleep. The director tells me it's everything from people who have problems with public masturbation or otherwise inappropriate boundaries to full-on rapist predatory behaviors.
Um ... I don't voice the thought, but you know what sounds cool? Getting paid to sleep, even if it's paid out at minimum wage. But you know what DOESN'T sound cool? Getting paid minimum wage to sleep the hallway down from a violent rapist or two!
As the interview proceeds, turns out everyone at the table but me has specific experience in this field, as in, years of experience, at caregiving of this sort. Oh, and the girl who looked like a timid 14 year old turns out to be 24 and has been doing this work since she was 18 -- has her CNA and has literally dealt with every situation or scenario we discuss! She's calm, friendly and fearless.
It was one of those experiences that just teaches you not to judge a book by its cover, even casually. This girl kicked major ass! So now they announce we're being left alone for 30 minutes to complete the written portion of questions.
Very first question involves working with a client who physically grabs you and refuses to let you go. How would you handle this situation? I'm like :^O Um! Thinking to myself "I'm sure there's some appropriate protocol to deal with this, but if I was at my job and someone literally just seized me and I demanded they release me and they refused, I have NO IDEA what I would do!" Furthermore, I'm not quite sure I WANT to know! I would kind of rather just not get violently grabbed at work in the first place by someone who refuses to let me go .... Call me a wuss.
I seriously didn't leave one job I'd come to find highly stressful to put myself into a work environment involving sexual predators and physical aggression. So I completed the whole interview with them, but I was just thinking about it all at great length going home on the EMX .... Thinking, is this something I even want to pursue?! I don't want to commit to trying something I'm pretty certain I'll not only flame out on but have a miserable or stressful time doing. On the other hand, I'm someone who beats myself up to admit defeat.
These interview questions were pretty awesome. For example, we were asked if we would be willing to take a client to an Orthodox church service even if we were rabid professing atheists; if we would take a client who expressed his desire to attend a KKK rally -- and finally how we'd handle a "medically fragile" client who wanted us to take him to an adult strip club! When we get to this question, CP powerchair guy (I'm awful with names and couldn't tell you the names of any of these folks) begins chortling loudly and smirking -- and it is mentioned with amusement that, actually, he's the guy who came up with that question originally!
Since clients with the ability to express their wishes are understood to be autonomous adults, obviously the 'right' answers were sure, we'd have no problem with doing any of that. *
When they got to me on the KKK bit, I was like "Look, I'm pretty hard to shock, and believe it or not, I'd have no problem doing any of that. I actually think it would be really interesting to observe a KKK rally sometime." Ha ha, I don't know how great a reception an olive-complected half-Iranian gal with a last name 20 characters long, escorting what Neo-Nazis would deem 'Lebensunwertes Leben' would get at the KKK rally, but of course that's beside the point. (And NO, obviously I didn't voice that thought at the interview, LOL!) **
Then they tell us flat-out that some of their clientele exhibit "challenging behaviors," and provide us with a list of possible behaviors we will be dealing with in our daily work. "Aggressive physical violence" to our person and work with known sexual predators forms just part of this list.
I'm like :^O !!!
There's another list on there asking if we'd have a problem dealing with feces, cleaning genitals, vomit and cleaning up after a client's masturbation.
Actually, that part I wouldn't care about. Body fluids are one thing, but physical violence and sexual predation is another! At that point, I start to sense I might be in a bit over my head, so I decide to test the waters and ask what exactly they meant by you'll be dealing daily with physical violence. I'm informed it'd be everything from being pinched or grabbed to being punched in the face!
Then I'm like "Um, and what type of sexual predators are we talking about here?!" Keep in mind this job requires overnight shifts where you actually sleep there in the group home and get paid minimum wage for those 8 hours of sleep. The director tells me it's everything from people who have problems with public masturbation or otherwise inappropriate boundaries to full-on rapist predatory behaviors.
Um ... I don't voice the thought, but you know what sounds cool? Getting paid to sleep, even if it's paid out at minimum wage. But you know what DOESN'T sound cool? Getting paid minimum wage to sleep the hallway down from a violent rapist or two!
As the interview proceeds, turns out everyone at the table but me has specific experience in this field, as in, years of experience, at caregiving of this sort. Oh, and the girl who looked like a timid 14 year old turns out to be 24 and has been doing this work since she was 18 -- has her CNA and has literally dealt with every situation or scenario we discuss! She's calm, friendly and fearless.
It was one of those experiences that just teaches you not to judge a book by its cover, even casually. This girl kicked major ass! So now they announce we're being left alone for 30 minutes to complete the written portion of questions.
Very first question involves working with a client who physically grabs you and refuses to let you go. How would you handle this situation? I'm like :^O Um! Thinking to myself "I'm sure there's some appropriate protocol to deal with this, but if I was at my job and someone literally just seized me and I demanded they release me and they refused, I have NO IDEA what I would do!" Furthermore, I'm not quite sure I WANT to know! I would kind of rather just not get violently grabbed at work in the first place by someone who refuses to let me go .... Call me a wuss.
I seriously didn't leave one job I'd come to find highly stressful to put myself into a work environment involving sexual predators and physical aggression. So I completed the whole interview with them, but I was just thinking about it all at great length going home on the EMX .... Thinking, is this something I even want to pursue?! I don't want to commit to trying something I'm pretty certain I'll not only flame out on but have a miserable or stressful time doing. On the other hand, I'm someone who beats myself up to admit defeat.
But anyways. I tell myself to think of it not as 'admitting defeat' but admitting that this was not something I thought I could cope with as a daily career. They obviously spend quite a bit of time & money in a business like this vetting people's criminal backgrounds, references and driving records and such, so I thought it was only fair to email the HR lady as soon as I got home and tell her how I felt. Boy did I struggle to write this and feel sick with neurotic dread after sending it:
____________________
TO: Hiring Manager at XYZ Foundation
FROM: Siobanyan X
-- Siobanyan X____________________
She hasn't responded yet, and who knows if she will.
Hopefully they're grateful I saved them time and money vs. disappointed a candidate turned down the job before even being job-offered, but my feeling was that the interview was in part set up to accomplish exactly that. That uncomfortable or unsuitable people will (if they're honest with themselves) get the feeling that this is not for them.
It was still a very interesting experience.
By the way, I am curious -- am I smoking crack, or do other people here form a rather more sedate idea of what issues we're talking about when we speak of 'developmentally delayed' individuals?! Um, like say anything from Corky on Life Goes on to someone who is very, very cognitively delayed but still able to live in a group home setting vs. a sub-acute nursing facility type situation. When I think DD'd I don't think violence 'n' rape, but maybe that's just me.
You know what? Typing that out I just realized how stupid I sounded. If cognitively / physically intact individuals in our population perpetrate sexual violence or can be prone to physical rage, why did I just assume without ever thinking about it that retarded people can't have the same behaviors?! That was pretty ignorant for me not to have realized previously considering it's as obvious as the nose on my face.
UPDATE: The HR lady responded with a very nice email thanking me for being up-front and letting me know those who work in this field are "very well aware" that the work's not for everybody and it doesn't make me a wuss (because my email to her had started out "I feel like the hugest wuss ever writing this email, but ..."). Actually, I'll post her whole email back:
____________________
TO: Siobanyan X
FROM: Hiring Manager at XYZ Foundation
Siobanyan,
I enjoyed meeting
you as well, and I sincerely hope that you find the perfect job and
don't have to go back to working for the Republicans!
Best of luck to you!____________________
Very nice of her to be so sweet! :^)
____________________
TO: Hiring Manager at XYZ Foundation
FROM: Siobanyan X
I feel like the hugest wuss ever writing this email, but I
would like to respectfully withdraw my application. I'd still like to
thank you for your consideration. Even just the interview was an
eye-opening experience, and I found it valuable.
It's true I'm
looking to do something different than I did previously, but the
prospect of being hit, pinched, grabbed by someone who won't let go and /
or dealing with known sexual predators in my workplace is very daunting
to me. Strippers, poop and the KKK = just fine. Potential physical
assault & sexual attack = not so fine though.
I have mucho respect
for people who do it, and the three nice candidates I interviewed with
seemed very experienced and capable (God
bless them). Mind you, I would still be pinched or forcibly held in my workplace than ever work again for right-wing Republicans.
I
weighed my thoughts for some time after the interview and decided it
was fair to let you guys know right away that the job is outside my
comfort zone, as I'd assume you spend quite a bit of time and money
vetting candidates and it is unfair to waste resources on me if I've
already decided the work would be outside the scope of what I'm
comfortable committing to.
Thanks very much, and it was genuinely nice meeting you all,
She hasn't responded yet, and who knows if she will.
Hopefully they're grateful I saved them time and money vs. disappointed a candidate turned down the job before even being job-offered, but my feeling was that the interview was in part set up to accomplish exactly that. That uncomfortable or unsuitable people will (if they're honest with themselves) get the feeling that this is not for them.
It was still a very interesting experience.
By the way, I am curious -- am I smoking crack, or do other people here form a rather more sedate idea of what issues we're talking about when we speak of 'developmentally delayed' individuals?! Um, like say anything from Corky on Life Goes on to someone who is very, very cognitively delayed but still able to live in a group home setting vs. a sub-acute nursing facility type situation. When I think DD'd I don't think violence 'n' rape, but maybe that's just me.
You know what? Typing that out I just realized how stupid I sounded. If cognitively / physically intact individuals in our population perpetrate sexual violence or can be prone to physical rage, why did I just assume without ever thinking about it that retarded people can't have the same behaviors?! That was pretty ignorant for me not to have realized previously considering it's as obvious as the nose on my face.
UPDATE: The HR lady responded with a very nice email thanking me for being up-front and letting me know those who work in this field are "very well aware" that the work's not for everybody and it doesn't make me a wuss (because my email to her had started out "I feel like the hugest wuss ever writing this email, but ..."). Actually, I'll post her whole email back:
____________________
TO: Siobanyan X
FROM: Hiring Manager at XYZ Foundation
Siobanyan,
That doesn't make you a wuss in any way.
Those of us who do this job are VERY aware that it is not for everyone.
It takes a specific kind of person, and those who are not suited to it
would be miserable doing it. It is a brave and self-aware individual
who is willing to say it's not for them.
Best of luck to you!____________________
Very nice of her to be so sweet! :^)
* I am DYING to know if they have ever had an applicant for the position say "no" or walk out in an offended huff! They might have some great stories on that LOL.
** I just had the following realization, which I can't believe I didn't think of at the time or until now -- what if one of the applicants in this group interview had been BLACK?! Wouldn't that be kinda awkward to ask him / her, and would a black person be cut some slack on this one for stating the obvious, "HELLZ NO, because I don't wanna get lynched!"?
Saturday, February 18, 2012
The Story of V
I thought I would tell the story of V.
Now, V was a good time girl but not a slut. The mentality is different. However, when I knew here she pretty much dressed like a hooker, that much is true. For a while, a long while in fact, she dated a lapsed Catholic guy with 9 siblings, some much younger than him (both V and this lapsed Catholic guy were 19 at this time). Well, his Mom apparently told his Dad that the Dad needed to tell C. (lapsed Catholic guy) that V needed to start dressing differently when she came over for dinner ... she evidently told C's Dad to tell C that this was a Christian household and V was providing inappropriate temptation for C's younger siblings.
Now lots of girls these days dress themselves inadequately and look a lot worse for the lack of wear. V. wasn't one of these. Oh my God, she was gorgeous. Her day look was nearly-hooker-but-bot-quite and her night look was Vampire-Renaissance-Princess. Either way V. looked GOOD. Her Mom often opined jealousy of her figure, which if you knew MY Mom I had never heard of a Mom saying stuff like that and it shocked me. Also V.'s Mom would often say how much she'd give to be our girls' age again, and she'd make catty little comments about our weight if we gained any or this or that. Again, I'd never been exposed to stuff like this and I was flatly shocked.
Her Mom was a good Christian at that point and even threw out V's tarot cards. V brought her tarot cards that her Mom didn't find over to my house to hide them and was surprised I showed my Mom; she said "wasn't your Mom offended?!" But see, just like I was shocked to death that her Mom was a Christian ex-stripper who found Jesus and would think to do something like throw away Tarot cards or criticize my weight or express jealousy of her 19 year old daughter's figure, so too she was just as shocked that my Mom was loving and accepting and looked at each and every one of those Tarot cards and even though it's not my Mom's belief said the tarot art was so wonderful, the detail was so amazing and these cards were so awesome, etc.
So with all that said, I would like to tell you how V lost her virginity. I have heard lots of stories nowadays of lots of people losing their virginities. This is one of the first I heard. As I have grown more knowledgeable of stories about people losing their innocence, what's generally happened is the stories are so much less shocking to me. Back just a bit before I knew V I found it practically shocking people had sex at all, ha ha. By the time I knew V I had kind of involuntarily learned some awful things about the world, and since my moral sense of the universe had expanded I guess I had a vague since that what happened with V was unusual. But actually over the years the more I've learned the more I've realized that what happened to V was pretty darn bad, so I would like to write you about it.
When V was little she was raised by her grandparents but she worshipped her Mom as this beautiful made-up creature who flitted in and out of her life. V's Mom was a lapsed Christian who barely registered until V was nearly 12 and then V's Mom came and took her away from her grandparents. There were legal proceedings that V was vaguely aware of but bottom line her Mom had rights to her.
V's Mom was a stripper and escort by trade and had V when she was 17. I only learned all this after the fact as when I first met V her mom was seemingly a single upstanding fundamentalist Christian woman in search of a hubbie and willing to give nothing up physically or emotionally to any man unless he had the appropriate religion and finances to satisfy her. V's Mom at the time was in extreme disapproval to V's relationship with A. A was another girl. I took V's Mom's disapproval of A and of V's tarot cards to be a normal longstanding thing but come to find out they were a relatively new thing .... Anyway. Turns out when V's Mom first took her away from her grandparents she was about 12 and she moved in with her Mom and her new Stepdad. We'll call him J.
Now J had a great home, a beautiful pool, a serene suburban existence and all that. Behind this seeming calm there was drama because through most of her life it seemed what V's Mom believed she could get out of men was only financial. Any guy without money she had no interest in and even when she had a guy supporting her and / or her daughter she'd typically turn out to have something going on over the side. With a gal. Anyhoo. Within a couple months V turned 13 and her Mom and Stepdad dramatically fell out and Mom moved in with a woman who'd stripped with her in AZ and right after that V's Stepdad started coming into her room at night. V was very intellectual and precocious and into Anne Rice heroines who were her age or seemingly younger and she lost her virginity to her Stepdad J but according to her it was seduction and molestation. And V and J were together for the next almost three years, and according to V it was kind of like a marriage.
So J taught J how to have an orgasm, how to give herself one and how to cook all his favorite meals. He taught her how to dress how she still dresses for her night look today in terms of eyeshadow, corsetry, Victorian style lingerie, all of this. Well strangely it was the driving that was the beginning of the end because when V was 15 and a half she was driving with her Stepdad J and nicked the car behind her and the cops came, and then a bunch more cops came, and it turned into a huge big deal, because as it turns out J was a registered pedophile and was not even allowed to be in the presence of a child under 16. When they searched the car they found hundreds of polaroids. Her stepdad is still in prison. She has not had contact with J since. They called her Mom and her Mom and her Mom's hostile hateful girlfriend came to get her and when I first knew V her Mom had just broken up with HG (V was newly 19) ....
When I first met V and she told me all this she said she still thought fondly of J and had thought of writing to him, but other times she hated him and apparently since the rise of the Net, V is a virtual unwitting superstar through these polaroids, she's internationally famous in handcuffs and really minimal lingerie in forums it would definitely be illegal even to try and find. But that's the story of V.
Now, V was a good time girl but not a slut. The mentality is different. However, when I knew here she pretty much dressed like a hooker, that much is true. For a while, a long while in fact, she dated a lapsed Catholic guy with 9 siblings, some much younger than him (both V and this lapsed Catholic guy were 19 at this time). Well, his Mom apparently told his Dad that the Dad needed to tell C. (lapsed Catholic guy) that V needed to start dressing differently when she came over for dinner ... she evidently told C's Dad to tell C that this was a Christian household and V was providing inappropriate temptation for C's younger siblings.
Now lots of girls these days dress themselves inadequately and look a lot worse for the lack of wear. V. wasn't one of these. Oh my God, she was gorgeous. Her day look was nearly-hooker-but-bot-quite and her night look was Vampire-Renaissance-Princess. Either way V. looked GOOD. Her Mom often opined jealousy of her figure, which if you knew MY Mom I had never heard of a Mom saying stuff like that and it shocked me. Also V.'s Mom would often say how much she'd give to be our girls' age again, and she'd make catty little comments about our weight if we gained any or this or that. Again, I'd never been exposed to stuff like this and I was flatly shocked.
Her Mom was a good Christian at that point and even threw out V's tarot cards. V brought her tarot cards that her Mom didn't find over to my house to hide them and was surprised I showed my Mom; she said "wasn't your Mom offended?!" But see, just like I was shocked to death that her Mom was a Christian ex-stripper who found Jesus and would think to do something like throw away Tarot cards or criticize my weight or express jealousy of her 19 year old daughter's figure, so too she was just as shocked that my Mom was loving and accepting and looked at each and every one of those Tarot cards and even though it's not my Mom's belief said the tarot art was so wonderful, the detail was so amazing and these cards were so awesome, etc.
So with all that said, I would like to tell you how V lost her virginity. I have heard lots of stories nowadays of lots of people losing their virginities. This is one of the first I heard. As I have grown more knowledgeable of stories about people losing their innocence, what's generally happened is the stories are so much less shocking to me. Back just a bit before I knew V I found it practically shocking people had sex at all, ha ha. By the time I knew V I had kind of involuntarily learned some awful things about the world, and since my moral sense of the universe had expanded I guess I had a vague since that what happened with V was unusual. But actually over the years the more I've learned the more I've realized that what happened to V was pretty darn bad, so I would like to write you about it.
When V was little she was raised by her grandparents but she worshipped her Mom as this beautiful made-up creature who flitted in and out of her life. V's Mom was a lapsed Christian who barely registered until V was nearly 12 and then V's Mom came and took her away from her grandparents. There were legal proceedings that V was vaguely aware of but bottom line her Mom had rights to her.
V's Mom was a stripper and escort by trade and had V when she was 17. I only learned all this after the fact as when I first met V her mom was seemingly a single upstanding fundamentalist Christian woman in search of a hubbie and willing to give nothing up physically or emotionally to any man unless he had the appropriate religion and finances to satisfy her. V's Mom at the time was in extreme disapproval to V's relationship with A. A was another girl. I took V's Mom's disapproval of A and of V's tarot cards to be a normal longstanding thing but come to find out they were a relatively new thing .... Anyway. Turns out when V's Mom first took her away from her grandparents she was about 12 and she moved in with her Mom and her new Stepdad. We'll call him J.
Now J had a great home, a beautiful pool, a serene suburban existence and all that. Behind this seeming calm there was drama because through most of her life it seemed what V's Mom believed she could get out of men was only financial. Any guy without money she had no interest in and even when she had a guy supporting her and / or her daughter she'd typically turn out to have something going on over the side. With a gal. Anyhoo. Within a couple months V turned 13 and her Mom and Stepdad dramatically fell out and Mom moved in with a woman who'd stripped with her in AZ and right after that V's Stepdad started coming into her room at night. V was very intellectual and precocious and into Anne Rice heroines who were her age or seemingly younger and she lost her virginity to her Stepdad J but according to her it was seduction and molestation. And V and J were together for the next almost three years, and according to V it was kind of like a marriage.
So J taught J how to have an orgasm, how to give herself one and how to cook all his favorite meals. He taught her how to dress how she still dresses for her night look today in terms of eyeshadow, corsetry, Victorian style lingerie, all of this. Well strangely it was the driving that was the beginning of the end because when V was 15 and a half she was driving with her Stepdad J and nicked the car behind her and the cops came, and then a bunch more cops came, and it turned into a huge big deal, because as it turns out J was a registered pedophile and was not even allowed to be in the presence of a child under 16. When they searched the car they found hundreds of polaroids. Her stepdad is still in prison. She has not had contact with J since. They called her Mom and her Mom and her Mom's hostile hateful girlfriend came to get her and when I first knew V her Mom had just broken up with HG (V was newly 19) ....
When I first met V and she told me all this she said she still thought fondly of J and had thought of writing to him, but other times she hated him and apparently since the rise of the Net, V is a virtual unwitting superstar through these polaroids, she's internationally famous in handcuffs and really minimal lingerie in forums it would definitely be illegal even to try and find. But that's the story of V.
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